Integrate Your Shadow
7/02/24
We all have a dark side… Haha sorry… We do actually have a dark side, though. A “shadow self” if you will. I’m going to try to explain this concept as best as I can, but forgive me as I’m still learning more about it. The “shadow” is the part of our personality that we repress and hide, according to Carl Jung. It’s the parts we don’t acknowledge for various reasons, such as shame. The problem is that when your boat gets rocked and you can’t put on that mask, your shadow takes over and everyone can see that ugly side of you that even YOU are surprised about. Maybe it’s repressed anger or jealousy. There are tons of guys out there that get jealous when their woman talks to or hangs out with another man. They pretend like it doesn’t bother them for so long that they even fool themselves! Well, that is until an argument gets heated and that man she was talking to becomes a topic of discussion. On the flip side, your shadow doesn’t necessarily have to be negative. If you are a man who puts up a machismo mask, your shadow is the side of you that is more compassionate and sensitive.
Why is this important?
The self-development journey isn’t just about becoming a big muscular man that reads books and meditates. It’s also about self-healing and understanding who you truly are deep down because that will bring you closer to wholeness. You can try to distract yourself as much as you’d like with fitness, friendship, and media, but ultimately your shadow looms over you and it gets darker the more you try to repress it. Instead of ignoring or repressing our shadows, we must do “shadow work” to integrate it. Here are 3 ways I personally have been using shadow work. Perhaps these methods may help you as well!
1. Console your past-self
We’ve all experienced traumatic moments, but we may not have had the opportunity to properly grieve them. While it would have been nice to have someone ask if we’re okay after that breakup/argument/death, we don’t always get that. What we can do now is visit our past-self the moment after that traumatic moment to let them know that everything’s going to be okay. With the power of hindsight, we can console that previous version of ourselves that never had the opportunity to spill their guts out. You can enter a meditative state to do this, or you can journal the thoughts you have when revisiting this trauma.
2. Ask yourself “why?”
I’m willing to bet you haven’t seriously thought about why the things that annoy the hell out of you or piss you off have that effect to begin with. There’s always a reason why, so ask yourself that! If you can’t find the root cause, ask yourself “why” again. There is a problem solving concept called the “5 whys” and this is essentially implementing that concept with shadow work. As it turns out, you hate when people speak loudly on the phone because your mom used to do it all the time when you were a child and it embarrassed you. When you understand the root cause of these things, it can help you move on from something that may be irrational, but also help you accept yourself for having that lil pet peeve to begin with.
3. Collaborate with a close friend
This step requires a friend that truly knows you and not the mask you put on. Sorry, I know it’s hard to come across those these days! Something I’ve found is that friendships that have been around for a long time tend to have their own traumas as well. I have shadow worked with a few of my own friendships and discovered through the power of hindsight that arguments we had were actually rooted in jealousy or shame. This requires thorough honesty from both individuals. You need to be open enough to say “yes, I was jealous of you” so that you can follow it up with “but we are in a much better place now than we were back then and I’m so proud of you.” You will be AMAZED by how much lighter you feel after getting this off of your chest and your bond will only grow.
Implementing “shadow work” may be the most beneficial concept in your self-development journey, take it from someone who has been doing this for over a decade. Behind that big buff confident man is a scrawny nervous little kid. Behind that overly masculine hot head, is a sensitive man capable of great compassion. The whole point of this is to come to a point of self-acceptance so you can grow naturally. Your shadow will always be around, but you must learn to work together instead of shoving it in a locker like a school yard bully.